Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
