please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize