He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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