Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
