Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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