I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
