I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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