Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
