Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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