Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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