when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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