After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
