Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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