I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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