He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
