My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
