the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
