How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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