How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
