Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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