I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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