I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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