...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
