I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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