You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
