we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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