Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
A bitchslap is in order.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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