OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
