wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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