So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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