FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize