It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
