I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
