i think my mom watched the whole time
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize