drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
