i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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