I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
