I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
