Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
