Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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