Kareoke will never be a sober sport
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
