This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
