I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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