I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
