The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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