the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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