I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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