i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize