I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
