Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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