Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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