He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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