Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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