We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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