Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Randomize
