No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
