Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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