God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
